How to Be a Better Listener in a Relationship: Tips and Techniques
Jul 29, 2024
By Will Moore
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." — Ralph G. Nichols
Let's talk about something that can make or break a relationship: listening. Yeah, it sounds simple, but trust me, it's a game-changer.
Think about it. How many times have you felt like your partner just wasn't hearing you? Or maybe you've been on the other side, realizing you missed something important they were trying to tell you. It happens to all of us.
Here's the thing: knowing how to really listen isn't just a nice bonus in a relationship. It's the secret sauce that can turn a good partnership into a great one. It's what helps you understand each other, solve problems together, and feel truly connected.
Whether you're a natural listener or you're working on getting better at it, this skill is what lets you build the kind of relationship you've always wanted.
So, let's dig into why listening matters so much and how to be a better listener in a relationship.
Nothing Will Work If You Don't Listen
Nowadays, a couple's typical conversation often looks something like this:
“You never listen to me!”
“I do listen. You just never say anything important.”
“See? You’re not listening now. You don’t understand how I feel.”
“How do you feel? What about how I feel?”
Do you notice the theme throughout this exchange? There is an undercurrent of frustration and disconnection. The unspoken thought that drives these statements is, “I don’t believe my partner is actively listening to me.” Or, stated another way, “I don’t believe we can communicate effectively. I don’t believe in our ability to understand each other.”
Are You Determined to Misunderstand?
Worrying about not being able to communicate effectively is just one tiny example of this fear. But a lack of listening skills will limit your relationship no matter how great your intentions or how strong your love is.
To truly listen, you must put aside your own agenda and focus on understanding your partner.
If I could pull aside one of those couples who have such discussions, I'd ask them point-blank: Are you trying to win the "Who's the Worst Listener" award? Why are you so busy pointing fingers instead of figuring out how to actually hear each other?
Here's the real kicker: The couples who make it aren't the ones with perfect communication. They're the ones who refuse to throw in the towel. They don't play the blame game. Instead, they roll up their sleeves and say, "Alright, this isn't working. Let's try something else."
Read More: Keeping Score in a Relationship
Look, there's no one-size-fits-all magic formula for great communication. But here's the secret: most strategies can work if you believe they will. It's not just about changing your thinking. It's about being willing to experiment, to fumble through new ways of listening, and to trust that you'll figure it out. It's messy, it's uncomfortable, but it's how you grow. And isn't that what relationships are all about?
Do You Think That Better Communication Is Possible for You?
Let's get real for a second. The bedrock of any relationship worth its salt is this crazy idea that you can actually get better at talking and listening to each other. Wild, right?
Here's what we're betting on: You, yes you, can become a listening superstar. We're not talking about settling for the low bar of communication that seems to be everywhere these days.
Nope.
We're talking about cranking it up to eleven in your relationship, even if everyone around you is stuck on mute.
And because we're all in on this belief, we're willing to look like total goofballs trying out new listening tricks. Even when we feel about as graceful as a newborn giraffe, we keep at it.
Why?
Because if you don't believe you can get better, you're dead in the water before you even start. I don't care if you have the fanciest communication techniques this side of a TED talk - if you don't buy into it, it's not gonna work.
And more importantly, if you don't believe in your own ability to become a better listener, you might as well be trying to teach a fish to climb a tree.
So, Believe In Yourself, and I will walk you through the complete process of becoming a good listener. Ready? Let’s get started
Understand the Qualities of Good Listeners
You might think you’re a good listener, but are you really? Let’s break it down.
1. Empathy and Understanding
Empathy isn’t just a buzzword. It’s about stepping into your partner’s shoes and really feeling what they’re feeling. When your partner is venting about their horrible boss, don’t just nod along. Really try to imagine how frustrated and powerless they might feel. Becoming a great listener can significantly improve your relationship.
2. Patience and Open-Mindedness
Patience isn’t just about waiting. It’s about creating space for your partner to express themselves fully. The next time your partner is trying to explain something complex, resist the urge to interrupt or finish their sentences. Let them work through their thoughts at their own pace.
3. Non-verbal cues and Body Language
Your body speaks volumes. Even if you’re listening intently, a crossed-arms posture might send the wrong message. Instead, lean in slightly, maintain eye contact, and nod occasionally. These small gestures can make a world of difference.
4. Interruptions and Distractions
Distractions are the enemy of good listening. That ping from your phone? It can wait. That funny meme you want to share? Save it for later. When your partner is speaking, make them your sole focus. It’s a simple act that speaks volumes about how much you value them.
Active vs Passive Listening
Here's a hard truth: most of us are passive listeners most of the time. We hear the words, but we're not really listening. Passive listening is a more superficial form of listening where the listener hears the words but does not fully engage with the speaker. It often involves minimal effort and attention, resulting in a lack of understanding and connection. Passive listeners may miss important details, emotions, and non-verbal cues, leading to misunderstandings and weaker relationships.
Active listening is a whole different ballgame. Active listening, or deep listening, is like being a detective. It involves fully engaging with the speaker. You’re not just hearing the words; you’re looking for the meaning behind them. You’re picking up on tone, body language, and what’s not being said. Active listeners ask clarifying questions, provide feedback, and show empathy, creating a deeper connection and understanding. This type of listening requires concentration and effort, but it’s a skill that can transform your relationship.
What are the Benefits of Active Listening in a Relationship?
The benefits? They're huge. Trust skyrockets. The emotional connection deepens. Those petty arguments that used to spiral out of control? They become productive conversations. It's like upgrading from a flip phone to a smartphone – once you experience the difference, you'll never want to go back.
How to Become a Better Listener In a Relationship?
Want to give it a shot? Here are some practical tips you can start using today:
Give your full attention. When your partner starts talking, put down your phone, turn away from the TV, and focus on them. It’s a small act that speaks volumes.
Don’t interrupt. It’s tempting to jump in with your thoughts but resist the urge. Let your partner finish their thought completely before you respond.
Reflect and clarify. After your partner finishes speaking, try summarizing what they said. It shows you were listening and gives them a chance to clarify if you misunderstood.
Control your emotions. When conversations get heated, it’s easy to stop listening and start defending. Take a deep breath and remind yourself to stay open and receptive. You should read our blog on building emotionally healthy relationships.
Show empathy and validation. Phrases like “That sounds really tough” or “I can see why you’d feel that way” can go a long way in making your partner feel heard and understood.
Be patient. Patient listening takes time. Don’t rush to find solutions or change the subject. Sometimes, your partner just needs to be heard.
Seek clarification. If you’re not sure about something, ask. It’s better to seek understanding than to make assumptions.
Practice non-judgment. Your partner’s feelings are valid, even if you don’t agree with them. Focus on understanding their perspective rather than critiquing it.
Provide active feedback. After your partner has shared, offer thoughtful feedback. It could be as simple as “Thank you for sharing that with me” or a brief summary of what you understood.
Conclusion: How to Be a Better Listener in a Relationship
Becoming a better listener is a journey, not a destination. It requires consistent effort and a willingness to grow. But the rewards—a stronger, more fulfilling relationship—are well worth it.
So, I challenge you: The next time your partner speaks, give them your full attention. Put these techniques into practice. You might be surprised at how much you've been missing, and how much your relationship can grow when you truly listen.
Take The First Step Towards Better Listening
Ready to take the first step? Try our "CORE VALUES QUIZ" to see where you stand in the 5 Core Areas of Life. It's a great way to start a meaningful conversation with your partner and practice those listening skills you've just learned about.
Take the Core Values Quiz to gain insights into your strengths and areas for growth. This quiz will help you:
Improve Communication Skills - Identify how you can become a better listener and communicator.
Strengthen Emotional Connection - Understand your emotional needs and those of your partner.
Enhance Relationship Satisfaction - Discover key areas to focus on to boost happiness and fulfillment in your relationship.
Keep practicing, keep listening, and watch your relationship transform. You've got this!
FAQ Section
How can I improve my listening skills if I have ADHD?
For those with ADHD, listening can feel like trying to catch water with a sieve. But here's the good news: with the right strategies, you can become an excellent listener.
1. Understand ADHD and Its Impact on Listening Skills
First, understand how ADHD affects your listening. Does your mind wander? Do you struggle to process long conversations? Knowing your challenges is the first step to overcoming them.
2. Break Information into Manageable Chunks
Break conversations into manageable chunks. If your partner tends to speak at length, it's okay to ask for pauses. Say something like, "Can we pause for a moment? I want to make sure I'm understanding everything you're saying."
3. Use Visual Aids and Notes
Visual aids aren't just for presentations. They can be a game-changer in conversations too. Jot down key points as your partner speaks. Draw diagrams if it helps. These visual cues can help anchor your attention and improve your understanding.
4. Establish a Conducive Environment for Conversations
Create an environment that works for you. Maybe that means having important conversations in a quiet room. Maybe it means using noise-canceling headphones to block out distractions. Find what works for you and make it happen.
5. Seek Professional Help and Utilize Tools for ADHD Management
And remember, professional help isn't a last resort – it's a valuable tool. A therapist or counselor can provide strategies tailored to your specific challenges. There are also apps designed to help people with ADHD improve their focus and attention. Don't hesitate to use these resources.
What should I do if my partner is a bad listener?
If your partner struggles with listening, try having an open conversation about the importance of good communication in your relationship. Share the tips and techniques discussed in this blog, and encourage them to practice active listening. You can also suggest seeking couples therapy to work on improving communication skills together.
How do I stop being the problem in my relationship?
Recognizing that you might be part of the problem is a crucial first step. Focus on improving your listening skills, managing your emotions, and practicing empathy and understanding. Open and honest communication with your partner about your efforts to improve can also help build a stronger, more supportive relationship.
How do I create a distraction-free environment for conversations?
Find a quiet space where you can have uninterrupted discussions. Turn off electronic devices such as phones and TVs, and ensure that you and your partner can focus solely on the conversation.
Why is empathy important in listening?
Empathy allows you to understand and share your partner's feelings, making them feel valued and respected. It helps create a supportive and compassionate environment, which is essential for effective communication and a healthy relationship.
How can I develop better emotional intelligence?
Developing emotional intelligence involves being aware of your own emotions and managing them effectively. Practice self-awareness, reflect on your feelings, and work on understanding and responding to your partner's emotions. This can lead to more thoughtful and empathetic interactions.